Jealousy and insecurity in perimenopause and menopause

One thing before I go further into this topic...

Now, let's get back to the topic…

What causes you to feel more jealous and insecure during perimenopause and menopause

Do you feel that you're maybe jealous of other people when you never used to be? Do you feel that maybe you're insecure in your relationship, which, again, you never used to be? Maybe you feel that you can't trust your partner or your friends, or you're feeling insecure at work and with your place in the whole scheme of things.

Jealousy can be a very destructive emotion. It can cause more anxiety, and more distrust, and that just has a knock-on effect on lots of things.

Here are a few reasons why jealousy might become more pronounced during this time:

Hormonal changes

Hormonal shifts are a really common cause of this. We know that oestrogen affects the brain and its ability to regulate your mood. So, if your levels of oestrogen are falling, it means your mood can decrease. This can lead to you feeling irritated and anxious. You can also feel much more emotionally sensitive. For example, somebody might say something to you that maybe months ago would have gone over the top of your head, but now you're crying because you feel that they have completely pulled you to pieces. The hormonal shift can therefore create that horrible sense of being unworthy.

This 'greater emotional sensitivity', to give it a name, can also unleash past hurts, and past jealousies, and bring up memories of past relationship failures. So, the feelings that you're experiencing today and putting on people that you're interacting with could actually be due to something that happened a long time ago.

Low self-esteem

This can be a big part of the jealousy problem. Again, due to hormonal changes, we can put on weight. We may find our body shape is changing. Our skin is getting a bit more wrinkled. Our hair is changing. Our body self-image can be much lower, and that can then make us feel more jealous of people who are younger than us, who maybe aren't quite hitting menopause at the same time as us. So that can be a big one.

Relationship dynamics and issues

Relationship dynamics can change during perimenopause and menopause, so that can strain relationships. It could be due to a loss of libido. You can feel less attractive because of all the body changes that are going on. So physical changes can make you more sensitive to perceived threats to your relationship. It may be that your partner is friends with somebody, and you're seeing signs that maybe aren't even there. And again, that's going to increase the sense of jealousy and insecurity.

Other symptoms

It can also be other symptoms as well, for example if you're feeling stressed and anxious, just because of day-to-day life, but you're also fatigued if you are not sleeping well. All of these things can amplify or reduce your emotional well-being.

How to help yourself

Managing and reducing feelings of jealousy can be challenging, especially when jealous thoughts come into your head unbidden. You could be doing something simple and these feelings just suddenly appear and, very often, they can catch you unawares.  However, with the right strategies, it is possible to gain some control over these emotions.

Here are some helpful steps you can take:

1. Understand why you are feeling like this

Knowing why you're feeling more jealous and insecure at this time is the first step to being able to control things. You can understand that, ‘This is not you. You're not going mad.’ You know, you're not losing your mind. These are very definite thoughts that are being created, because the hormonal changes that are going on are affecting brain function. So, it's a very real physiological process here, and understanding that is really the first big step.

2. Support your emotional well-being

Secondly, it is important to support your emotional well-being generally. Remember: relaxation. That is a vital thing to do. It's not a luxury. Relaxation techniques such as meditation and mindfulness can be helpful. Remember to do deep breathing too. Get into really regular practice, because then the minute you start to feel these feelings, you can jump straight into some deep breathing exercises that can literally stop things very, very quickly.

You can look at relaxing herbs such as passionflower and lemon balm. These are nice and calming without being sedating, so you can use them throughout the day. Keep yourself well-hydrated and eat little and often, the reason being that dehydration and low blood sugar will heighten anxiety and stress. It will make you less emotionally resilient. So, it's really, really important to remember these two things on a daily basis.

3. Boost your self-esteem

Try and improve your self-esteem. As I mentioned above, that can go downhill quite dramatically with all the changes that are going on. So, try to do things that make you feel good. Do things that you know you're good at so that it boosts your self-esteem. It's giving you something really enjoyable that's going to lift you up.

Even things like starting a new hobby can be really good. And just remind yourself regularly. Put little Post-it notes around the house just quantifying your strengths, what you're good at. And doing little mantras every day, "I feel great. I am great," even something as simple as that can lift you up and also make you more emotionally resilient.

4. Communicate openly

Try and communicate with the people that you may be having issues with. And I know this is a really difficult one because if you're in a state where you're not even sure what's going on yourself, if your partner, or friends, or colleagues are getting really annoyed and upset because of your behaviour, it can be very difficult to sit down and be honest with them.

But if you can, it's certainly worth it because they probably don't understand what's happening to you. They might not know you're in perimenopause or menopause. All they know is that something has changed. So, letting them know may actually give them a better sense of security as well. It can be really worth it if you can do it.

5. Try journaling

This is a great exercise to do because you can vent all your anger, jealousy, everything by writing it down on paper, instead of directing it verbally to the people that you love and care about. I know some people have told me that if they write negative things down, they do all the venting, and then they do a little ceremony where they burn the page, and it's as if that angst and anger and everything has just sort of dissipated as it burns. That seems to be a really good exercise to do.

6. Seek professional help

Seek help if you find that these negative feelings are taking over. If you do not have any control over them, or if they're being destructive in your relationships with your partner, your friends, or at work, it may well be that you need that little bit of extra help.

You can look at therapies such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming), and CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy). So, these are things you can learn in order just to get that little bit of control back. But again, if this is really wrecking things for you, just speak to your doctor to get some kind of help to see you through this particular phase.

One final thing…

Remember, this is a phase. These are normal emotional issues that happen to most of us as we go through perimenopause and menopause, so you're not alone here. And hopefully, this is something that with just a little bit of extra practice, you can get on top of and feel a lot better about yourself.

I hope you found this one helpful. I know I've had quite a few comments about this particular subject, so I thought it was quite a good one to do.

If you've had any issues, what did you do to help yourself? Did you do any therapies? Did you take anything for it? Did you change your life? Please share your stories. You know I love reading them.

Supporting yourself through perimenopause and menopause

One extra thing before you go! If you haven't tried Menopause Support, why not request a free sample today to see how it can help you?

It contains soya isoflavones, which are a source of phytoestrogens, as well as the essential mineral magnesium, which can help to support you in a number of ways, including helping to reduce fatigue, the most common symptom of perimenopause and menopause, according to our online symptom checker (correct as of 04/24).

Click here to request your free 7-Day sample*.

Until next time, take care and have a lovely week.

^{*UK residents only. One sample per household.}

You may also find these topics helpful:

Emotional Menopause Symptoms: Why they can worsen or come back

4 relationship problems caused by menopause & what can help