Staying social
Here are the reasons why (I think) we should feel close to our absent true-friends and family. These are the characteristics of friendship that will last any pandemic:
- Quality matters more than quantity
- Don't worry about being rejected
- Focus on small gestures
- Adopt a willingness to see through past differences
- Have empathy.
Because quality matters more than quantity
British anthropologist Robin Dunbar1 believes that there is a limit to the number of people we can hold in our social circle. He even sets a limit - 150 people. Any larger and the number is considered unmanageable. It's the size of our brain. It, apparently, determines how many contacts we can comfortably maintain. The theory is that we have a tight circle of close loved ones, then another layer of 15 good friends. 50 are just-friends and everyone else gets acquaintance status. People can weave in and out of the layers. A best friend from your teen years may be a just-friend by your mid-twenties. If you make a brand-new chum, somebody is invariably ditched from your 150 peeps. So long, work colleague from five years ago.
Ergo, we have limited resources of friendship capability. Spread ourselves too thin with lots of party friends; then no time or energy for our close relationships.
I see Frank, who works in my local shop, every day; he's very nice. I have certainly seen more of him than anyone else in recent times. It's safe to say that Frank and myself do not share any intimacy or a close relationship. I haven't seen my sister in the flesh for many months but absolutely adore her. The minute we get together, it's as if she had only popped into the other room for a moment. Conversation is effortless, intimate, intense and full of belly laughs.
We allot our devotion to our most cherished loved ones in order of the loyalty we feel to them. I may not be able to spend very much time with the people I love, but I know they are still there. I trust that they do not expect too much of me.
Quality of intimacy is the bond in close relationships. Don't worry if you haven't seen your friends every day: they are still out there.
Don’t worry about being rejected
People who find it easy to make friends don't worry about rejection. They are the lucky ones. They like other people and think that others like them back. This makes them open and cheerful company.
Don't let the fear of rejection stop you from reaching out to others. You would appreciate contact from a friend or acquaintance. Be confident that others will feel this way too. Pick up the phone or write an email. Your efforts will be appreciated.
Social anxiety affects one in ten people2. Some people are crippled with this social phobia and meeting new people or even eating in public can be nightmarishly terrifying. For most of us, these situations can make us nervous but they are not overwhelmingly. If this is something that is affecting you, please talk to someone.
Small gestures
We all love the notion of magnificent and flamboyant gestures. Surprise parties, expensive bouquets, public proposals: all those trappings and evidence of romance and attachments. But since when have any of these been a prerequisite for friendship? Sometimes there is better evidence of affection.
Think of all those hugs and chats and shared confidences that are the small gestures. Who listens to the whinging when you are having a terrible day? Sometimes a bar of chocolate or a text message in need is better than any grand event. Be there for your friends when they need you.
A willingness to see past differences
Teenagers often need to find their own tribe. It's their way of loosening their bond with the family and parental control. They want to strengthen their independence by forming their own group. One easy way to do this is to find common interests like music, politics or attitude. This gives friends stuff to talk about in pubs and someone to go to gigs with.
Older or wiser folk may not end up with friends that have such strict style criteria. Your best friend in the latter years may enjoy embarrassing folk music while wearing brown shoes. (This was my benchmark for 'the pits' when I was young). He may also be the person who offers you a loan without being asked. The fact that you hate his music collection won't stop him from ringing you when he wants a natter. Appreciate your hidden treasures, the friends that are the real gems
Empathy
We all need friends who understand how we feel, with whom we want to share our thoughts and feelings. Lockdown is hard, and knowing we are all in this together is a common bond. Try to ring, write to or message someone every day. It's your chance to be a good friend by reaching out to them.
References:
2 https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/anxiety-uk-welcome-new-social-anxiety-guidlines/